11 of the nerdiest — I mean, funniest — jokes ever (as selected by professional nerds, of course)
The Guardian recently asked scientists to tell their favorite geeky jokes. Here are some of the best…
Statistics – A Double Blessing
A statistician gave birth to twins, but only had one of them baptized. She kept the other as a control.
(David Spiegelhalter, Professor of Statistics, University of Cambridge)
Chemistry – We Would Also Accept “Hey Hey Goodbye”
Sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium Batman!
(Tony Ryan, Professor of Physical Chemistry, University of Sheffield)
Biology – Oh, There You Are!
They just found the gene for shyness. They would have found it earlier, but it was hiding behind two other genes.
(Stuart Peirson, Senior Research Scientist, Nuffield Laboratory of Ophthalmology)
Fractals – Keep Asking, You’ll Get the Same Answer
What does the ‘B’ in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for? Benoit B Mandelbrot.
(Adam Rutherford, Science Writer and Broadcaster)
Calculus – At the Function Function
At a party for functions, x is at the bar looking despondent. The barman says, “Why don’t you go and integrate?” To which x replies, “It wouldn’t make any difference.”
(Jean-Paul Vincent, Head of Developmental Biology, National Institute for Medical Research)
Topology – Also, “How?”
Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip? To get to the other… eh? Hang on…
(David Colquhoun, Professor of Pharmacology, University College London)
Computer Science – A Basic Difference
There are 10 kinds of people in this world, those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
(Max Little, Mathematician, Aston University)
Psychiatry – Rorschach, You Disgust Me
A psychoanalyst shows a patient an inkblot, and asks him what he sees. The patient says: “A man and woman making love.” The psychoanalyst shows him a second inkblot, and the patient says: “That’s also a man and woman making love.” The psychoanalyst says: “You are obsessed with sex.” The patient says: “What do you mean I’m obsessed? You’re the one with all the dirty pictures.”
(Richard Wiseman, Professor of Public Understanding of Psychology, University of Hertfordshire)
Subatomic Physics – Wait. Who Knows What Now?
Heisenberg and Schrödinger are out for a drive when they get stopped by the police. The policeman asks Heisenberg, “Sir, do you know how fast you were going?” and Heisenberg says, “No, but I know where I am!” Confused, the officer says, “Sir, you were doing 80 mph,” and Heisenberg throws his hands in the air and huffs, “Great, now I don’t know where I am anymore!”
The policeman thinks something is going on and orders the pair out of the car so that he can search it for contraband. He looks under the seats, in the glove compartment, in the back, and then walks around the car and opens the boot. He stares into it for a moment, turns to Schrödinger and says, “Sir, did you know there’s a dead cat in here?!” Schrödinger rolls his eyes and snorts, “Yeah, we do now!”
Logic – Flawless Reasoning
Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender says “Do you all want something to drink?”
The first logician says “I don’t know.”
The second logician says “I don’t know.”
The third logician says “Yes.”
Chemistry – Run That By Me in Latin
A weed scientist goes into a shop….
Scientist: “Hey, you got any of that inhibitor of 3-phosphoshikimate-carboxyvinyl transferase?
Shopkeeper: “You mean Roundup?”
Scientist: “Yeah, that’s it. I can never remember that dang name.”
(John A Pickett, Scientific Leader of Chemical Ecology, Rothamsted Research)