Stuff You Hoped You’d Have In Your Twenties Vs. What You Actually Have

1. Hoped you’d have: a cozy, light-filled home.

To share with someone you love! Or at least with a couple of your friends who aren’t like OCD-clean but do their own dishes and always have half a bottle of bourbon on hand. Or alone.

2. Actually have: an overpriced hovel.

Complete with an illegal space heater and three to six roommates whose sex noises you’ve learned to identify.

3. Or:

I mean the cat looks rad.

4. Hoped you’d have: a signature hairstyle.

5. Actually have: an uncontrollable mess.


6. Hoped you’d have: a neatly organized closet full of tasteful yet stylish clothes.

7. Actually have: a broken Ikea dresser.

Crammed with bras you’re too scared to wash, tops you wore in college that are too see-through to wear to work (and also you don’t want your bare skin touching the subway seats anyway), T-shirts with permanently yellow underarms.

8. Hoped you’d have: a furry friend to care for.

9. Actually have: a dead cactus.


10. Hoped you’d have: an inspiring workspace in which to complete all of your world-changing projects.

11. Actually have: a makeshift cubicle.

Bonus points if you’re actually being paid to do your job.

12. Hoped you’d have: health insurance.


13. Actually have: duct tape and a prayer.

14. Hoped you’d have: a kitchen stocked with everything you need to throw all those dinner parties.

15. Actually have: a gross frying pan to heat up three-day-old leftovers.

16. Hoped you’d have: matching bra-and-underwear sets/boxer briefs that don’t make you look like you’re in middle school.


17. Actually have: holey, saggy things you buy in packs of five.

18. Hoped you’d have: nearby outdoor space in which to frolic.

19. Actually have: scaffolding as far as the eye can see.

At least you don’t feel it when it rains. That much.

20. Hoped you’d have: a place to work out.


Plus, like, the motivation and time and energy, but details.

21. Actually have:

Who says grown-ups can’t have snacktime? COMMUNISTS, THAT’S WHO.

22. Hoped you’d have: a shelf full of books to unwind with in your spare time.

Given to you by thoughtful, cosmopolitan friends and lovers.

23. Actually have: a stack of magazines from three months ago.

You tell yourself you’ll recycle them but somehow you always end up dumping them in the trash.

24. Hoped you’d have: productive hobbies.

25. Actually have: unproductive habits.

Bottoms up, team.

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